


Wishful Thinking

by Evax3



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Canon Compliant, Cheating, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Marauders' Era, Marriage Proposal, Married Couple, Multi, Pining, Second War with Voldemort, remus loves tonks but he belongs to sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2019-10-04 08:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17301329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evax3/pseuds/Evax3
Summary: After the battle of Hogwarts, Remus and Tonks find themselves in the afterlife and Remus faces the most difficult decision he has ever had to make. In a place where every wish can be fulfilled, he now has to choose between the woman who saved his heart and the man he lost it to.A story that shows how Tonks, Sirius and Remus go on after their death, how they found each other and how they fell in love.A story that shows that you can't love just one person, but that in the end you have to make up your mind.





	1. Afterlife

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I've ever published and after a reread, i realized, you can tell that! :D  
> That's why I'm now taking the time to adjust the chapters little by little, with hopefully some better expressions and grammar!  
> However, still not Beta read & English isn't my first language either, so, we will see.  
> (state: April, 2019)

Dying was an odd feeling, Tonks thought as she drifted through nothingness. First there was light, so bright, illuminating everything around her. And then there was darkness. But no pain. Just a little tickle as her body slowly resumed its composition. And then she opened her eyes.

She was sitting in a train, the comfortable seats all too familiar and a man was there to her right looking out of the window. He turned around and smiled.

His hair was less grey then the last time she saw him, somewhat fuller and curly.

She had always thought him a handsome man, but now he was almost glowing, younger and happier.

"Where are we?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"I think this might be the Hogwarts-Express," Remus replied, turning his head to take a better look at their surroundings. But this wasn’t the answer she needed.

"So, this means … are we dead?"

His smile became smaller while he nodded.

"How?"

"I think for you it was Bellatrix after all. And the last thing I remember is duelling with Dolohov, so ..." He shrugged slightly and sighned.

Leaning her head against his shoulder, he kissed her on the forehead like he always did when she was worried. This wasn’t right. They were both too young. Just married and … suddenly she jumped up.

"Oh my god, Teddy!"

The look on his face was enough for her to undestand. Tears filling her eyes as she thought about their son, only one month in the world and already an orphan. Their son, who she’d never see grow up. Who she would never sing to sleep again or be able to teach how to fly. She started crying and Remus closed his arms around her.

"He is with your mum and Harry. I am sure they’ll look after him."

They sat there for a while, tightly embraced, mourning their son left behind. But finally the train slowed down.

Remus was the first to move, wiping the tears from her cheek and then standing up.

"I think we’re almost there." He held out his hand and she took it.

They walked to the door of their wagon and the train took a halt. He was about to move when Tonks squeezed his hand, holding him back.

A picture appeared in her mind's eye and fear spread inside her, afraid of what might be ahead of them. Afraid of who might be waiting behind that door. A ghost, hidden but never forgotten. Circumstances she didn't had time to think about.

Clunging to the arm of her husband, shesaid the only thing she could think of. "I love you Remus."

He turned around and took her face in his hands. His strong hands, warm and gentle. They were no longer covered in scars but instead soft and clean.

Maybe he didn't think about what was in store for them or probably just could hide it better. Then he just kissed her. So careful and tender but still her knees became weak.

"I love you too Dora," he whispered and with that, the door finally opened.

…

"Sirius, would you please calm down!"

James turned his gaze back at his wife, standing behind them talking to an older man called Ted Tonks, who was waiting with them for his daughter. She returned his glance and then rolled with her eyes. Obviously it had been a pretty bad idea to take Sirius with them, picking up Remus. But there had been no chance for them to leave him behind. Even if Remus was about to arrive in the afterlife with his new wife, the mother of his child.

"He was my man in the first place," Sirius had told them this morning as they were discussing the topic. "Screw her. I don’t care if she thinks they are married or something and I will certainly not waive the right to pick him up from the train."

The situation was pointless. Sirius wouldn't change his mind and so it was James' only hope to keep the meeting as civilized as possible. He knew what anger lay dormant in Sirius. Not only towards Remus' wife but also towards Remus himself. He tried to cover it up, but James could see that beneath the surface he was jealous and also afraid. And to tell the truth, James shared that fear, because what would happen if Remus had decided to spend the rest of his time with that woman instead of the man to his right? It would break Sirius' heart, that was for sure.

Carefully James turned his head and watched him.

He had his long black hair tied in a loose knot at the back of his neck, wearing a wide red checked shirt, black boots and jeans. He looked good, James thought. Healthier than he had seen him in the last 15 years. And as James looked closer he also noticed a three-day stubble around Sirius' face. He was sure it hdn't been there this morning, but that Sirius had wished it on his face only for Remus. In the past, he had always liked that best.

But even his cool features couldn’t hide what was going on inside him. The nervousness that Sirius emanated sloshed out of him in waves and made itself felt through quiet snorting, bobbing back and forth or hectic looks to right and left. It drove James mental to watch him but thankfully at the very moment, there was a well-known sound at his back. In the distance he'd see the steam of a red locomotive slowly approaching.

"I think the wait has come to an end."

But there was no response. Standing there, stiff as a stick, Sirius had a sudden tight feeling in his chest. A nasty premonition telling him that this wouldn't go off as he had wished. Hence all his senses were sharpened, ready to flee at any time.

Then the locomotive stopped with a loud squeak and as the doors opened, exactly what he had feared came to pass. There he stood, the man he had loved, in the arms of another woman.

Without thinking, Sirius skipped behind the train and hid.

He heard Tonks calling for her father and, according to the sounds, jumping from the train directly into his arms. And then there was Remus. For the first time in two years he was able to hear his familiar voice loud and clear. It cost Sirius’ all his strength not to give up his hiding place and throw himself into Remus' arms as well.

But what kind of idiot has he been? What did he expect? That Remus would turn his back on his wife as soon as he led eyes on Sirius again? The two had a child, for Merlin's sake. Sirius felt ashamed and sad and he didn't even want the feeling gone. But yet there had been this spark of hope. Hope, that this was the place they'd finally be happy.

Dejected, he knelt on the ground, burying his face in his hands.

It was a little ironic, that it had to end right here, just in front of that very red train. 

Being the place, where it all had begun, a long time ago.


	2. Autumn 1977

During the last five years, the first of September had always looked the same for Sirius. At 10 o'clock at the latest, he, his mother and his little brother had left their house at Grimmaulde Place and set off for Kings Cross station to catch the Hogwarts Express at 11 o'clock. This year, however, he hadn't travelled to the station with his mother, but with James and his parents.

They had driven a Muggle car, Mister Potter wanting to try this latest discovery on his part and then they'd been stuck in traffic. So, now, James and Sirius had to run after the moving train with all their might, finally managed to jump up completely out of breath in the last second. It was the best start of term Sirius had ever had.

"Nice idea with the shrinking spell for the suitcases," James said, wipping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand.

"Thank you," Sirius grinned, pulling off his imaginary hat. 

They walked through the narrow corridor of the train, looking for their friends, when finally, after half an hour, they bumbed into Peter coming back from the food trolley with his arms full.

"There you are. Why weren't you at the station?"

"Long story," James answered with a wave of his hand. “Where's Moony?”

"Right here in the compartment." Peter pointed his head to the left and opened the door with his elbow.

Just when Sirius was about to enter behind James, he stopped, because there, in front of him, wasn't the Remus he'd said his goodbyes before the holidays.

He seemed taller with his long legs crossed in front of him and a bit wider, his grey shirt strechting slightly on his shoulders. His brown curls hanging in his eyes while he was leaning over a book and chewed on a pencil, he'd probably took notes with. His skin had a warm brown tone, indicating hee had spent quite some time in the sun.  All in all, he looked damn good and Sirius had no choice but to slowly sit with his mouth open next to Peter, staring at him further. 

He also barely noticed the story James was telling about their arrival when the compartment door opened again. A girl with flammed red hair stuck her head through the door, looking around like she was searching for something.

"Hey, Evans! How lovely to see you!"

James had jumped up directly from his seat, now trying to lean against the door, played casually while his elbow slipped off the glass twice in a row, causing Lily to suppress her laughter.

"Hello, James. I was wondering if you might have a moment? I'd like to talk to you about the coming school year since you' re Headboy and I am -" she showed him the badge on her cloak and James was beaming all over the face.

"Oh but of course! Please after you."

He pointed to the hallway and then followed her outside. But after she was a few steps ahead of him, he turned back to the others, showing them two thumbs up with a broad smile.

"Maybe this is the opportunity for him to finally win her over," Remus said with a smirk and closed his book.

"Hopefully," Peter mumbled after stuffing the last chocolate frog into his mouth. "If that doesn't work, he should really give it up. Maybe _that’s_ the reason why Dumbledore turned him into Headboy in the first place? Because he can't watch the boy ridicule himself anymore?"

Remus grinned but shrugged his shoulders and looked out the window. "I think we'll be there soon. Maybe it's best if we put our robes on."

"But first I'll go find Emmeline," Peter stood up, wiping some crumbs off his shirt with the back of his hand. "I need to see her before we got to Hogwarts and she has to sit with the other Hufflepuffs again." He wiggled his eyebrows and went outside.

After he'd disappeared, they sat there for a while in silence.

Sirius was determined to start a conversation, preventing Remus to find out that there was something going on with him. But, unfortunately, Sirius' thoughts revolved around just one topic, being the last one he was able to discuss with him.

"Well, looks like our boys have grown up," Remus said, now turning his gaze at Sirius. "So, what was your summer like?"

But before he could answer, the door opened again, and Remus moaned. "Doesn't anyone want to just sit quietly on the train, talking about the holidays like they used to?"

"Well Lupin, hello to you too!"

Marlene appeared in the door, taking a slightly bow in Remus’ direction. After that she opened it wider and another person next to her came into sight. "Dorcas here was looking for you."

The brown-haired girl next to Marlene looked at Remus shyly and then raised a hand to greet him.

"We're about to have a Perfects Meeting, I thought maybe you want to go - "

He got up before she'd finished her sentence. "Sure, I'd love to."

She blushed slightly as he gave her a smile.

But Sirius though watched the whole play with a critical eye, tyring to relax his face as Remus turned back at him.

"Seems like last summer holidays are definitively over."

Then he threw on his cloak and left the compartment with Dorcas on his heels.

Sirius looked after the them until he realized Marlene sat down on the seat opposite him, now frowning in his direction.

"Leave it alone McKinnon," he grumbled, lying down to stare at the overhead. He knew Marlene well enough to know that she wouldn't do him the favour.

"So how long is this going on between you and Lupin?"

Sirius moaned and buried his face in his hands. "There's nothing going on. Would you please drop it?"

She threw the pencil at him Remus had used for his notes and he looked up. "What?"

"Don’t take me for a fool, I saw the look you gave him as he left."

Sirius took a moment, then hid back behind his hands. "Was it that obvious?"

"Even the blind Professor Bones would have noticed."

"Well, it seems that I'm truly fucked then." He paused. "Did you see the way he suddenly looks?"

"It was hard to miss." She made a bubble of her gum, letting it burst with a loud pop. "It's just sad, that you're not the only one who noticed the _new Lupin_."

Putting the last part in quotation marks, she caused Sirius to sit up. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I think Dorcas also threw an eye on him." It seemed she was kind of miserable about this discovery, but Sirius had to concentrate on that later.

"You think he's into her?"

"At least it looked like he wasn't completely uninterested. I thought there was something going on between _you_ guys? What happened?"

That was a subject, Sirius had sworn he wouldn't think about anymore.

There had been a time, about their fifth year, when Sirius had realized that there were not only women he was interested in. Same time, it'd looked like something was developing between him and Remus. But then he'd fucked it up. It had taken a long time for them to rebuild their friendship and Sirius had not dared to put it at risk again with any romantic feelings. They'd slowly approached each other again and it was an unspoken prohibition to go any further.

Until now. Because now  something new was added. Not just a type of affection, but desire. Feeling like a wild animal slowly taking possession of Sirius if he wouldn't do anything about it.

"Oh fuck Marlene, I'm totally screwed," he sighned and lay back down.

"I thought you were best friends? Why don't you just talk to him?"

Maybe Marlene was unable to understand how things between them worked, but it'd make a huge difference, if feelings like these were spoken out loud. Then there was no way for both of them to act like before. Then every time Sirius would slip in Remus bed at night to curl around his feet as Padfoot and every time Sirius would lay his head in Remus lap while he was studying on the sofa and every time they’d look at each other during classes way to long for two normal mates, all this would _mean_ something. Maybe Remus wasn’t ready for that. Maybe both of them weren’t. But Sirius definitely couldn’t risk it.

However, something had changed now and even if he liked it or not, sooner or later it'd change their relationship as well. Even if it was for better or for worse.   


	3. Afterlife

They sat together in Lily and James’ Kitchen, everyone with a mug of tea in their hands, looking at each other with delight but also a lot of confusion. They'd split up shortly after their reunion. Dora went with her father, leaving Remus to go with James and Lily.

Their kitchen looked quite the same as their old one, and yet it felt incredibly strange.

"This seems so real," Remus said for the third time and took another sip of his tea. It had the perfect temperature, just from the beginning.

"It’s odd, isn't it?" Lily asked and took Remus hand. "But it'll go away pretty soon, I promise you."

She smiled at him and again he was shocked how less she had aged. Not, to be exact. They both looked exactly like the last time he saw them.

Whereas he looked like an old man. And yet his body had never felt so good. Healthy and strong like no other day of his life he'd remember. 

He put his cup down, looking at them with concern. "So, tell me about this place. Is it all just like our lives before?"

Both James and Lily laughed, shaking their heads. He had almost forgotten how in synch they were.

"This place is as far away from life as possible. I'll show you." James made a fuzzy gesture and suddenly they were no longer in the cosy kitchen. All around them were fluffy clouds, floating through the bright blue sky.  Their table no longer on a hard wooden floor but on a bright green meadow. Remus' mouth stood open, but James wasn't finished.

"Everything depends on how you want it to be. For example, your appearance."

With that James' hair turned red and he grew a long grey beard all the way to his feet.

"If you want something to eat, wish for it." The table in front of them now covered with delicious food, but after a short second everything was gone again.

"And if you don't want it anymore, it disappears. Or if you don't want to be hungry at all, then you won’t be. And it's the same with exhaustion or energy."

"So, it's all just random?" Remus interrupted him and looked at his hand, still normal one moment ago and now a shade of blue because he had, like James told, only wished for it.

"It's not random," Lily said, turning her hand so that a colourful bouquet of flowers appeared. "It's like magic, only you control it without a wand and just with your mind."

"And there are no limits," James grinned at him, just like he'd always done in their youth. Without warning they were standing on top of a huge waterfall, their coffee table nowhere visible. It was overwhelming. But before he'd say anything, they sat back in Lily and James' kitchen.

"Wicked, right?" James took a seat and Remus and Lily did after him. "You can't imagine all the crazy stuff we've experienced here so far."

Remus looked at his hand, frowning. "How can it feel so real?"

"Well there are two constants that you can't change, as much as you wish."

"Your mind and soul. These are the cores which truly make you who you are. Your memories and all the things you have seen remain with you, forever."

And by saying that she looked very sad, giving Remus the strong feeling of cheering her up. This was not the moment to hold on sad memories, they certainly had enough time for that.

"What happens when I have something to wish for someone else? Let’s say James for example?" Remus grinned at her and as Lily looked up, she chuckled, James's nose suddenly swelling to twice its size. The moment he noticed it though, he gave Remus an angry, if not serious, look and his nose was back to normal.

"Actually, that's only possible if the other person wants it too."

That made Remus curious. "Even with feelings?”

But now they both looked a bit bent again. "You can't wish anyone’s feeling away if the other doesn't want it. If, for example, someone is sad, and they don't want it to go away, you are powerless."

It seemed as if James spoke from his own experience, so Remus thought it would be a good idea to talk about another subject.

"So, have you to stayed here all by yourselves?"

Unfortunately, this change of topic didn't seem to be the right one either. Now both avoiding to look at him again.

"I’m afraid not," Lily said after a while. "Most of the People from the first Order of the Phoenix have landed here sometime and live somewhere nearby, at least that's how it feels." James but his arm around her shoulder and smiled at Remus.

"But well, near and far is rather relative, remember?"

Remus didn't go into the joke. Now he saw the opportunity to finally ask the question, he had on his tongue since his arrival.

"Does _he_ also live here?"

Now James gave him his usual grin. "Yes, _he_ does. To be exact, he's been living with us in this house since he got here."

"But where is he then?!"

Remus blushed slightly when he noticed, he'd spoken a little too loud. But to be honest, he slowly got angry with Sirius for not showing up. They hadn't seen each other in two years. Had previously lived together? They were ... he sighed. He didn't know what they were anymore and what they'd still be, but he fucking wanted a chance to find out.

Standing up because this was another subject he didn't need to be discussed now, he turned to the door. As it seemed, there were a lot of topics that shouldn't be discussed at this first get-together.

"I think I might go for a walk," he said but then hesitated. "How do I find you again? Is your house always at this place?"

"Just wish for us," James winked and Remus smiled back, leaving the house.

He looked back over his shoulder, but deep down he wished to be alone, it being no surprise that James and Lily’s house had disappeared.

With a heartfelt sigh, he began to move. Thinking.

He was now dead and quite possibly in the afterlife, that much was clear. Even if it'd take a while for him to really understood what that meant. It was also clear that they'd left their son behind and that he, like Harry, would grow up as an orphan. Remus briefly considered whether he wished to be with Tonks now, but decided against it.

He wished for something reassuring and then was pleased to discover that a small stream now ran parallel to his path. He followed the stream for a while until it finally led to a large oak tree. With a smile on his face Remus sat down under it. Seeming like the perfect place for him.

He closed his eyes, letting the wind blow around his ears as another thought came to his mind.

_Everything you wish for is possible here._

Still with his eyes closed he noticed how it got darker around him. Feeling the excitement slowly spreading in his chest, he finally opened his eyes again. It was like magic. Right in front of him was a huge full moon surrounded by thousands of stars, illuminating the sky. Remus noticed his hands trembling at the thought that he'd never had to fear this sight again. It was the first time in 30 years he was able to see it without worry or pain. 

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" a familiar voice said behind the tree and Remus drove around.


	4. Autumn 1996

"Remus? Are you home?"

When Tonks took another step inside the living room, she was stunned.

Remus Lupin's once warm and cosy home now resembled a pure dump. Papers and bottles were scattered everywhere, it was dark and dusty and the curtains in front of the windows were closed. In a back corner of the room, water dripped from the ceiling into an almost full bucket. There seemed to be a hole in the roof that needed to be mended. Urgently.

She called for him again and after a while she heard bottles clank and then a quiet cough from the next room. Sighing in relief, she opened another door.

There he stood with his back to her, bent over the sink in the kitchen.

"Hello Remus," she said carefully and took another step towards him. "We're assigned for patrol tonight, but I can also -"

"Give me a second, I'll be right there."

His voice sounded melancholic and strange. She knew that he was suffering badly since Sirius' death but unfortunately, she didn't know how to help him. They had been on patrol together for over a year now and during that time a deep friendship had developed between them, even if it was something else for her from the beginning.

He had aroused her interest right at their first order meeting.

The way he managed to convince the others of his ideas, but in a calm but certain way, she found very attractive. He was rarely loud or fiery but could be when he needed to. And he was damn funny. During their patrols Tonks once laughed so hard, she almost blew up their disguise.

In addition to all that, he was extremely handsome to her eyes. Even if he always denied it when she brought it up. He wasn't the obvious kind of pretty as Sirius had been. He was masculine and strong and seemed daring with his scars and curly brown hair in which the grey had condensed in some places.

She secretly feared for him to know how she felt, even if he didn't return it.

It was out of the question to even address the subject when Sirius had been alive, but now that he was gone a little glimmer of hope had arisen that Remus might one day belong to her. Moreover, Tonks desperately wanted to see Remus smile again.

She was now standing outside his house, looking at the stars and waiting for him. By and by he slowly came outside, and she could see how tired he looked.

She wanted to talk about it, but he put her off with a wave of his hand.

"Save the words Dora. I know it myself that I look like shit."

With these words he reached for her arm and they apparated.

Landing in a remote settlement near a forest, they hid in wait between two bushes. Their task was to observe this newly discovered Death Eaters house and sound the alarm if the inmates were to leave. So, they lay there in silence until Tonks couldn't stand it any longer.

"I didn't want to say you looked like shit!"

He gave her half a smile.

"Grief doesn't make people ugly Remus. Life leaves its scars on all of us."

She realized too late that she had said something wrong, because the only thing she received from him was an annoyed snort.

"Sorry, I mean, like inner scars, you know." Feeling his tension rise, she became even more restless herself.

She wanted to make him happy, to cheer him up, but seemed completely incapable of finding the right topic. Her hands began to sweat and tremble. To keep them busy, she ruffled through her short pink hair.

"He was still handsome, wasn’t he, even after Azkaban?"

She only wanted to tell him, Sirius had also received his scars and still not lost any of his beauty, but of course Remus understood it the wrong way.

"He always got the women," he said bitterly and at this, Tonks became suddenly angry.

"You’d know perfectly well who I’ve fallen for, if you weren’t too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice."

Shocked by her own words, she held her hand in front of her mouth. looking at him in horror.

To her surprise though he smiled. A real warm Remus Lupin-smile and then he even reached for her hand.

"Don't think I didn't notice," he whispered, and she had the feeling that he was slightly flushed, although she'd hardly see it in the dark.

Her heart pounded wildly with excitement as she lay there on the floor in the darkness for another three hours. But his hand however she wouldn't let go. Only when Arthur Weasley showed up to take their place, but not without giving them both a suspicious look.

They apparated in silence back to Remus’ home and yet as she was about to enter the house behind him, he stood in her way.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Dora."

First, she was caught off guard but then she was only disappointed. "Oh, and why is that please?"

She should have known that he would back down, still hitting her harder than expected.

"It's a mistake," he said and went into the house.

He didn't close the door behind him, so she followed him, even without premission.

"Remus, I don't mind you still have, you know, feelings for someone else."

He turned around so harshly, with anger in his eyes, that she raised her hands and took a step back.

But she wanted it, she wanted it so bad, and whenever she had wanted something in her life, she had fought for it. So, slowly she walked towards him again and grabbed his arm.

"It doesn't bother me. I don't mind you being a werewolf either."

With a sudden jerk he tore loose and she stumbled back against the wall behind her.

"It should, Dora," he growled, "I am putting you in great danger, even if you may not want to see it."

When he turned his gaze at her, she realized that his eyes were no longer brown, but amber. Looked out of the window, she noticed the moon being almost full.

Knowing exactly what situation she was provoking, yet there had been this moment between them that she didn't want to give up on. After all she was half a Black and stubbornness was their middle name. Therefore, she built herself up to full size in front of him, looking deeply into his eyes.

"You don't scare me Remus. And you won't drive me away, unless you tell me explicitly I should go."

He shook his head as if he wanted to drive away the emerging thoughts. But he should not, he had to allow them.

Grabbing all her courage, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. And he froze. Not moving a muscle under her touch, they just stopped. Until he pushed her away.

"What in heaven's name are you doing?"

"If you want me to go, tell me!"

She had done everything imaginable and now it was his turn.

"It's wrong," he said more to himself than to her.

For a moment he turned away, making her think she had lost the battle, when he suddenly, he turned back. And kissed _her_.

It wasn't a perfect kiss. Too fast, with her mouth half open, and besides, he hadn't meet her properly. They both had to laugh.

"Sorry," he whispered. "In my thoughts it worked somehow better."

"Best you just try again."

And when he did, it was amazingly better. She felt the heat rise in her, surprised at the power he had, when he lifted her up and placed her on the nearest chest of drawers.

"Forgive me," he whispered before kissing her again.

Only many months later she'd realize that these words were not meant for her.


	5. Afterlife

"Nice to see you finally found the time to show up."

Slowly Remus got up from the ground and looked at the man standing in front of him.

"Where the hell have you been?" He tried to correct his choice of words, but Sirius ignored the question anyway.

"You look good," he said. "You look like you're doing fine." He scratched his chin and Remus knew only too well that it was a gesture he always made when he was insecure. Remus smiled. They knew each other too well. 

"You don't look bad either," he grinned. "Death seems to suit you."

Sirius sneered back. "And it seems marriage suits _you_ , at least the one with the woman."

In his voice lay the despite Remus had feared would be there and when he took a step towards him, Sirius flinched back.

"At least let me explain."

"What is there to explain? I died, and you went to bed with my cousin only 2 months later. It's as simple as this, isn’t it?"

Remus moved on, watching Sirius. His eyes flashing with fire, now standing with his back to the tree. Remus knew he'd just make it disappear, but neither of them did. Like an animal he didn't want to scare off, he tried to keep his voice as quiet as possible.

"I really missed you."

Sirius snorted but Remus continued.

"You won't believe how much I suffered when you were gone." This being the wrong thing to say, Sirius snapped.

"Oh, and you believed I did not suffer?"

Remus knew only too well what was going on in Sirius, his posture, the way he spoke. Everything was an indication he was out for a fight.

"Do you think I sat here and ate cake and watched how you just fucked the next best bitch who crossed your way?"

"Don't call her that." That was a line Sirius better not cross, no matter how hurt he was. Then Remus paused. "What do you mean by "watched"?"

"Oh, didn't Lily and James tell you that at your little coffee party? You can still see the living if you want to. All you need is a window."

For a short moment Remus was speechless. He thought of Teddy and that now, he still had the chance to see him grow up. When he turned his face towards Sirius though, he recognized the mistake.

The anger was gone, the pain now visible on the surface.

"Sirius-"

"I know you always thought you'd never have children. It must have been the happiest day of your life when he was born."

"It was one of the happiest days," Remus said, and Sirius turned away.

"I shouldn’t have come. I am sorry. I just needed to … it was a mistake."

If he really wanted to go, then he would be long gone, Remus thought, and took the last step towards him. Now standing chest to chest in front of each other.

He put his finger down Sirius' chin, forcing him to look up. When he caught his eyes, he saw there no longer anger, but fear. The same fear with which Dora had looked at him on the train. And he knew it was a mistake. He knew he had to make a decision, that he should wish for Sirius to disappear. But that's just not how it was.

Instead he put his arm on Sirius' back and pressed himself against him, the small space between them vanished.

"I'm glad you came."

And then he kissed him. Tender and shy. And then completely. It was the best kiss he ever had.

He thought it to be a weird kiss. Just as it always was with spontaneous kisses. Teeth clashing against each other, limbs in the wrong places. But that wasn't the case at all. Sirius moaned in his mouth and for the first time, since his arrival, Remus really felt like heaven.

Only separating a small piece, they looked at each other and carefully Remus stroke a strand of hair from Sirius' eyes that had come loose from his knot.

"You wouldn't believe how much I missed you," he whispered and Sirius grinned.

"Show me."

And suddenly their surroundings changed.

They were no longer standing under the big oak tree but were now in a small and cosy apartment, that Remus was all too familiar with.

"How is that possible?” he breathed, turning in a circle to take a closer look at everything. When he finally paused, he realized Sirius being just as astonished.

"I wanted something cosy and familiar. But this-"

"This is our flat!"

Sirius just shrugged. "There's hardly anything more familiar, isn't it?" Looking at the records that were sorted in the closet next to the big bed, he beamed. "It's all still here. There is even my guitar!" He grabbed it and stroked the strings. "It sounds perfect."

"Did you expect anything else, here in heaven?" Remus asked as he picked up several books from a bookshelf next to the door, realizing they were really his own. Over and over marked with his notes.

"That's just incredible," he muttered when suddenly a pair of arms were wrapped around his chest from behind.

"I missed you too, Moony."

Those words were hushed at his ear, making his skin prickle, as a warm mouth started to kiss his neck.

Slowly Remus turned around and now in the warm light of the flat he could really see him for the first time. He was just so beautiful. And after all these years, Remus still couldn't believe that this man really wanted him.

Overwhelmed by his feelings, he pressed Sirius against him, kissing him with such force, they both stumbled right onto the bed.  
He knew they were lost. He always knew it. Sirius was like the sea, wild and unpredictable. And Remus was ready to drown in him. Just from the beginning. Even when they were still young and naïve, he knew it, only then he didn't know exactly why.


	6. Halloween 1978

The whole room was filled with laughter and music. It was like every year, the Marauders big Halloween party.

It took place in the Gryffindor common room and every student of Hogwarts, who claimed to be something, wanted to be present. Accordingly, the room was filled to the brim and normal conversations were hardly possible.

Until half an hour ago it'd been the perfect evening for Sirius. They had drunk plenty of fire whiskey, played stupid drinking games and enjoyed themselves deliciously when James had offered one of his finest Snape imitations ever. It'd been marvellous. Up to the point where Lily had taken her old gramophone out of the girl's dorm and asked James to dance. Shortly after, all the couples from the different Hogwarts houses had gathered on the dance floor, swinging their hips together to the beat of the music. That wouldn't be too bad either, if Dorcas Meadow hadn't been thinking about winning Remus Lupin's heart since the beginning of the school year. Therefore, she had asked him several times for a dance and finally he had given in.

And it was precisely for this reason that Sirius now sat together with Marlene in one of the back corners of the common room, a bottle of whiskey in his hands with a look on his face, as if he was going for the throat of the next best person, addressing him.

"What does she want with him? He has not even real interest."

"Hmm?" Torn from his grim thoughts he looked at Marlene taking the bottle out of his hand. She turned to him.

"Do you want to dance, too? We'd put them all in the shade."

He gave her half a smile. "I'm sorry, Marls. I'm really not in the mood today."

Taking the bottle back from her grip, he stood up.

"At least leave this here!" she shouted after him, but he'd already made his way through the crowd, towards the stairs, to retreat alone in his dorm, pitting himself and drink until he falls asleep.

After closing the door behind him, there was hardly anything to hear from the music. He sighed heavily and then walked up to his suitcase to get out his leather jacket and a pack of cigarettes.

How could it even come to this? He, Sirius Black, full-time rebel and troublemaker number one, first left the biggest party of the year due to insurmountable heartache. It was pathetic.

Carefully he climbed through the narrow window onto the roof and lit a cigarette. Lying there, watching the white smoke slowly disappear into the night, he thought of Remus and Dorcas again. Whether they had already landed tightly wrapped on one of the red sofas and what if the two would now become a couple. At that Sirius felt as if he might puke.

Taking another drag from his cigarette, he suddenly heard the creaking of the window behind him. Being probably James, the faithful soul, to see if he'd already drowned himself in his self-pity.

"I'm okay, James. You can go back down, playing Superman for Lily."

"Fine, I'll tell him when I see him later."

Sirius turned around, just seeing Remus casually swinging his long legs over the windowsill and then sitting next to him on the ground.

"I thought you were James."

"Yeah, figured that out when you said _I'm okay, James_. Why are you sitting out here and not at the party?"

"Not in the mood," Sirius mumbled, taking another strong sip. Now he had a real reason to get uninhibitedly drunk.

"Okay and why not?" Remus reached over him for the cigarette in his right hand and then took a drag himself. "Trouble with the ladys?"

Sirius laughed affected and then rolled his eyes although Remus probably couldn't see it in the dark.

"Now come on Pads, you can tell me."

"I don't think so," Sirius sneered and stared stubbornly straight ahead into the sky.

"So bad? Worse than turning into a bloodthirsty monster once a month and puking raw rabbits after?”

Sirius snorted at the thought. The last full moon had really not been a good one.

"I'm sorry, Remus, but I don't think I can talk to you about it." He knew the lump in his throat was quite clear, confirmed by Remus grabbing his hand and pressing it lightly.

"Whatever's on your mind, you can tell me. I can keep a secret."

Sirius heard the grin in his voice and turned to the side, finally looking at him.

"You know, it's not exactly a lady I have problems with. It's, well, it's a guy."

"Oh," Remus whispered, wonder flashing in his eyes. But Sirius wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing and all the courage he had lacked so far, the fire whiskey now managed. Now or never. tThere was no turning back.

"Okay, so here's the thing: There's this boy and I really like him a lot. I've actually liked him since the first moment I saw him. Of course, I'd no idea what that meant back then. However, since about two years there is just more. It seemed like he liked me too, but then I screwed up. But my feelings didn't go away, and I think I'm slowly losing my mind because I can't think of anything else than him. Also I can't tell him because I just don't want to lose him. Plus, he is my best friend."

He ended his rambling with a heavy sigh. If that wasn't enough of a hint, he didn't know nothing.

For a brief moment, they only looked each other in the eye. Sirius chewing nervously on his lower lip, for he knew that Remus could count one and one together and it won't be long before he'd found out whom Sirius had been talking about. Remus however remained silent.

After a felt eternity, he drove his hand over his mouth and spoke quietly.

"Maybe he likes you as much as you like him, and he didn't tell you for the same reasons."

Starring at each other, reality hit them, realizing what it meant to them both. Sirius swallowed.

"So, that means-"

"Hey, you two, what are you doing out there?"

They both turned their heads at the window, recognizing James standing there with a big grin watching them.

"I just wanted to tell you that Pete and I sleep with the girls. So, you have the place to yourself."

"Well, thank you, James," Remus said, his voice sounding strange as if his thoughts were hundreds of miles away. And with a knowing look James disappeared.

"So, do you, I mean-" Sirius stumbled. "Do you want to go back in?"

With a nod, Remus got up.

But when Sirius followed him, he took a wrong step, getting on the empty whiskey bottle and slipped. He thought that he'd already imagined every exits possible, but falling drunk from the roof of the Gryffindor tower was none of them. Giving a panic scream as he slipped over the tiles, suddenly a strong hand grabbed his arm. Remus held onto the edge of the roof somewhere with one hand and tried to pull them up again with all his might. Without success.

"Fuck, Sirius! I can't pull you up!"

Fear crept up in Sirius when he saw Remus' strained face. His wand was lying on his bed inside. He'd put it down there when he had fished for the cigarettes. Probably they would both crash now. And then he finally screamed.

"It's you!”

"What?”

"You are the guy I like!”

"Are you kidding me?"

"No! I mean it seriously. I like you Remus. I've liked you so damn long. And I fucked up with the stupid prank, but believe me, there's nothing I regret more than that and if you let me, I will-"

"I know you meant me you dumbass!" Remus shouted back. "Now reach into my pocket, get out my wand and summon your stupid broom!"

For a brief moment, Sirius was too perplexed to react. Remus liked him back!

"Sirius, now!"

Shaking his head to clear his mind, Sirius did as he was told, and grabbed the broom with the hand he was holding the wand. Carefully they let themselves slide down, flying the few meters back to the window. When they had finally climbed back inside, his panic suddenly seemed a little exaggerated and Sirius began to laugh. Loud. Clutching his stomach.  
Remus looked at him as if he was mad, shaking his head, but with a big grin on his face as he took his wand back and put it in his pocket.

An unpleasant silence spread between them, neither of them knowing what to do next. And just at the moment when Remus had found his words, Sirius took the initiative.

"So, what shall we hmpf-"

The kiss was just like first kisses often were. Too stormy, with too many teeth and yet Sirius felt something slowly melting in his chest. Remus' mouth was warm and soft and tasted of butter beer and cigarettes and chocolate and it was more than Sirius had ever hoped for.

"Are you really sure?" Remus whispered as they'd separated only a few inches and Sirius smiled.

"Fuck yeah," he breathed.

It seemed to be the right words as Remus grabbed him by his neck and clashed their mouths together again. Intertwined, they fell on the bed and finally, Sirius had to admit to himself, leaving the party wasn't pathetic, but the best decision of his life so far.


	7. Afterlife

Sirius felt like he was flying. Every step like walking on clouds, light and uplifting. It was overwhelming, almost like the day he got his first wand. With a sweeping gesture, he opened the door to Lily and James' kitchen.

"Honey, I’m home!"

The sun floated the room, immersed in glowing light. He'd wished for his entrance to be magical, after all it was exactly like he felt in that moment. Unluckily, Lily stood up from the table, looking at him, her gaze much less friendly than full of concern.

"Could you please tell us, where for -"

He didn't let her finish, but instead grabbed her by the arms and whirled her around.

"Looks like someone had a big reunion last night," James smirked, standing up as well.

"Not just that Jamie Boy." He dropped her off and walked up to James. "You could have told me that sex in heaven is so damn fantastic," he nudged him into the side, "but, so the surprise was all the bigger".

Satisfied, he sat down at the table and grabbed a scone from the plate in front of him. It was delicious.

To his disappointment, when he looked up, he saw Lily's face had changed from worried to angry.

"Have you forgotten he's married?"

Sirius couldn’t believe they were about to start this conversation again.

"And have you forgotten, Lily, that he and I were married first? It is not cheating if he cheated on me first."

"But you were dead!” she yelled looking for James to back her up. Sirius let out a sigh and took a step towards her.

"And now, I'm sorry if this is a shock to you, now, he is dead, too. Problem solved!" He rubbed his hands and nodded to her contently.

"Don't be so arrogant Sirius Black."

It wasn't the first time the two of them had fought over this subject, and if it went to Lily, it wouldn't be the last. James, however, was pleased to see his best friend so happy. Therefore, he slowly walked towards them, putting one arm around each of their shoulders.

"Come on guys, I think we should celebrate that! How about champagne?"

"James it's early in the morning -" Lily tried to disagree but there were already three full glasses next to their heads and James and Sirius grabbed them with satisfaction.

"To Padfoot and Moony, finally back together!"

"Hear hear!" Sirius shouted and emptied his glass in one go.

Lily still didn't seem convinced, crossing her arms in front of her chest. But luckily Sirius knew a certain way she wouldn't be mad more longer. Carefully he put his glass down and with a flowing movement turned into a big black dog.

"If you think you can soothe me with your dog's gaze, you're wrong."

But when he started barking and jumping up at her, she patted his head and smiled. James taking this as a good sign, he also turned into Prongs to play together with his four-legged friend.

Now, Dog and stag jumped through the kitchen together, chasing each other but the place was far too small. Lily wished for their kitchen to be twice its size, but that only made their maneuvers more reckless.

"Please be careful," shesaid as Padfoot had taken a curve too sharp and crashed against the door. But before Lily could suggest perhaps slowing down a bit more, the two had already stormed out of the door full of enthusiasm. She turned around and saw now only two smaller animals running towards the horizon.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

…

There weren't many things in the world Tonks didn't like. Actually, she had always been a fulfilled person who had loved life and everything that belonged to it.

She had especially loved the sea, with its endless blue surface and its deep secrets to be discovered. Unfortunately, the sea mostly appeared together with sand and Tonks had never learned to love _that_. It was usually too hot on the days you could go swimming and then it would always pop up in exact those places where you wanted it last. And even the strongest cleaning spell couldn't make it disappear.

So now being the first time she really enjoyed the beach.

Dreamily she stretched her hand into the sand, finding out for her pleasure that not a grain stuck to her skin. She drove through her short hair and turned her face towards the sun. This was indeed a good place to be.

Happily, she lay back in her hammock and sighed. It was almost perfect here, only one little thing was missing. She lifted her head and then was thrilled to recognize a small figure in the distance coming slightly closer.

She shifted and then, with a light buzz, the hammock grew to twice its size. It bounced a little as Remus sat down to her, but not so much that one of them was in danger of falling out.

"This is really a lovely place," she said, lying back again. "Where have you been?"

He didn’t answer.

As she looked up, she saw the guilt on his face, knowing immediately something was wrong. And when a light breeze blew past them, she smelled it.

"You smell of him!" she was shocked. "Couldn't you even wish it away?"

"It seemed wrong to hide it."

Suddenly she was terribly angry. But then no longer. She didn't wanted to be. A mess of feelings spreading inside her. Grief, anger, betrayal. A painful kind of relief. She knew what was coming, but didn't know if she was ready to hear it.

"We need to talk," he said, trying to hold her hand, but she pulled away.

"So that's it? You're breaking up with me? Because of him?"

"Dora, please calm down and let me explain."

Was he kidding her? She was about to punch him, even though she knew that a fight wouldn't do much good.

All those feelings were just so confusing. She paused.

Calm down, she thought. You don't want to be angry. You don't want to feel abandoned. You want to feel strong and confident. Don't feel like a victim. You are stronger. And just like magic, she felt that way.

Taking a deep breath, she indicated for Remus please to continue.

"Remember when we patrolled together for the Order? Shortly after he …" he stopped and she nodded, sparing him the rest. She knew exactly the time he was talking about.

"Back then you tried to get me to move on, get me to look ahead, and I said to you -"

"You said it felt like losing a limp. That you'd do look ahead and that, at some point, you'd learn to live with it. But that it'd always be missing."

He acknowledged, giving her a sad smile.

"What does this mean for us Remus?" Her voice now little more than a whisper.

"I love you Dora. I love you so much, please believe me. But how could I go on without feeling whole again, knowing that I could?"

He had tears in his eyes and suddenly she only felt compassion. Compassion not just for him but also for herself. For their relationship and what they might lose. Reaching for his hand, she stroked the back of it. She clung to the moment like it being a lifeline. But then she heard it.

A strange noise.

They both turned around, watching a huge black dog and a big brown stag running straight towards them. Closely followed by Lily.

Dog and stag eventually slowed down as they discovered them, slipping to a halt, right in front of their noses.

The dog stared at Tonks and she stared back, her mind frantically starting to work. Then she recognized him.

"What the hell is going on?" Sirius instantly changed back, now standing in front of her in full size.

"Excuse me?" She and Remus had also got up. But while he looked a little uncertain back and forth between them, she only glared at Sirius.

"I think understood me just fine," he hissed, "what the fuck do you think you're doing here?"

"I think I'm talking to my husband." She put her hands on her hips, showing him that she was ready to fight.

Meanwhile James had changed back just as Lily had caught up with them.

"Remus, Tonks, I'm sorry. We'll be gone in a minute." Lily grabbed Sirius by his arm, "Sirius, please." He just shook her off.

"You realize Missy that he was my husband first and foremost?"

"Just because you write some nonsense on your wrist doesn't make you married yet. See that?" Tonks held out her wedding ring in front of his nose, a cocky smile spreading on her face.

He growled and slapped her hand away. "Now watch out, you little brat. He was already mine, back when you still made in the diapers, therefore I advise you now friendly: Get lost!"

It was the fight they both needed badly. The restrained fury they both had on each other and on Remus, who had put them in this shitty situation. It seemed to explode.

She stretched out her index finger, speaking with a trembling voice. "Now you listen to me, Black. Remus took care of you long enough and you've only abused it. It's over now. Just look at yourself." She gave a false laugh. "You're a shadow of the man you once were, mentally completely unstable. You've been like that, back when you were still alive and just because Remus is too nice to reject you, he stayed with you. Azkaban destroyed you Black, face it, you're a wreck."

"Dora!" Remus was shocked by her words, trying to stand between them but she blocked his way, neither she nor Sirius paid any attention to him.

"You think he was only with me out of guilt? You're the one who deserves the pity. You followed him around forever, but when I was still there, he didn't notice you at all. But then I was gone and you took the first chance and let yourself get knocked up! And of course, after you told him, he asked you to marry him. But don't even think for a second, this being about you. Because it was just about the damn baby!"

"Sirius," James whispered, reaching for his arm.

"Face the facts, Tonks: You were just a fucking means to an end to get over me."

"Fuck you Black."

"Fuck yourself!"

"ENOUGH!" Remus had finally managed to push her aside, now frowning at them both. "What's the matter with you?"

But Sirius was still too furious to let anything slow him down. "And now you're defending her too?"

"Sirius mate, leave it alone, please." James knew that Sirius would later regret it, therefore tried to calm him down. But it didn't have the desired effect.

Like a trapped animal Sirius suddenly felt pushed into the corner. He turned in circles looking at them. Watching him. Pity lying in their eyes. He was the one they all deplored. Except for Tonks, who grinned at him with satisfaction. _Azkaban destroyed you Black. You're a wreck_.

And with a loud bang he disappeared.


	8. Summer 1997

"Did you know, that you have moles on your back looking like the sign Scorpio?" Tonks asked quietly as she kept linking the little dots on Remus back with her finger.

"Yes, I know. But I was told it quiet looks like Canis Major," he mumbled his face half covered by his pillow.

At that remark, she felt a slight sting in her chest. One like the other she always felt when she saw the two small letters on Remus' wrist. However she didn't want to make him feel guilty again but to hold on to this rare moment of tenderness. It was worth it. She had to keep saying that to herself. Sometimes his dismissive nature made her forget.

She hadn't heard from him for months. Him being most of the time on some secret mission for Dumbledore, he wasn't allowed to talk to her about. She'd been ill with worry, now that it was more important than ever that he took care of himself. That he stayed with her. Now that they were no longer just two.

"There is also something else I must talk to you about."

"Please Dora, not now."

"It's not that, it's-"

She was interrupted in the middle of her sentence when a silver patronus in the shape of a Phoenix floated through the window and gracefully sat down on the bedside table. They both straighten up when they heard Dumbledore's voice.

 _"I'm going to_ _leave the castle tonight, but it couldn't be a more unpleasant time. Get ready. The order should be in full number to protect the school."_

Without saying anything Remus stood up and put on his pants. She was about to return something, but then decided otherwise. There was still time for her. She knew that she had still 9 months to talk to him about it.

…

But it all happened way too fast. They'd just arrived at the gates, had briefly talked to Minerva when the first scream was heard.

Death Eaters had invaded Hogwarts and before they knew it, they stood in the middle of the battle. Curses flying over their heads as parts of the castle were blown up, them trying to keep the intruders away from the children's dormitories.

"Remus watch out!" Tonks yelled as a green flash of light missed his head by inches, hitting the Death Eater who had come down the spiral staircase of the Astronomy Tower behind him.

Desperately they fought on, hurrying from one duel to the next but there were simply too many opponents.

Tonks saw Snape out of the corner of her eye walking towards them with quick steps, straight towards the stairs. She felt a brief touch of relief, but it was short-lived. Because when Remus tried to follow him, he was thrown back by an invisible barrier, landing backwards on the ground. She turned in circles, looking out for another attack and then ran towards him, helping him up, when suddenly a loud bang sounded and the ceiling in front of the stairs crashed down.

"Are you hurt?" Remus coughed as the dust slowly settled. She had a ring in her ears but shook her head.

Kingsley desperately tried to clear the debris away when another curse barely missed them. A big blond Death Eater fired one after the other, shooting across the corridor and crashing against the walls. She jumped on her feet and stormed towards him while Remus had hurried to help Kingsley.

With all her might she tried to shock the Death Eater, but it seemed hopeless. He was too fast and too eager, so she had to be more careful to protect herself than she had the opportunity to attack him. But suddenly he paused as quick steps sounded behind them.

Then Snape was next to her again, shouting something to everyone, she couldn't understand through the loud sounds of the battle. She turned hastily, looking directly into the dark and hateful eyes of her aunt.

They both screamed at the same time.

"PROTEGO!"

"CRUCIO!"

Her shield shattered by the force of the impact, throwing her back just as another red flash of light hit the wall above her head. Bellatrix drove around.

"Don't you dare touch her!" Remus shouted with his wand stretched out.

"Well, look who we have here?" she purred, "seems like you got a certain typ, huh Lupin? The disgusting scum of the Black family? But little Sirius wouldn't like that at all, would he?"

"Don't talk about him," Remus growled as he reached her. Now they both stood in front of each other with drawn wands, Bellatrix with a scornful grin on her lips and Remus hateful, with a clenched jaw.

"I swear to Merlin, if you lay a finger on her I’ll kill you."

She threw her head back, roaring with laughter. "Oh my, you mean, like the last time I got a little too close to _him_?"

She couldn't react fast enough when he jumped at her, closing his hand around her throat and pressed her against the wall. Tonks could see his eyes glowing amber as he bared his teeth, more the dangerous animal than she had ever seen him before.

"If you hurt her, I'll tear you to pieces," he hissed.

With her eyes wide open, she stood in front of him, letting out a miserable whimper as another curse just missed them and Remus let her go. She took the opportunity and ran away, but not without turning back again. "Believe me Lupin, you'll regret that."

Tonks, who had still been sitting on the floor, slowly rose up and walked towards Remus. The fight was over, who they'd lost was still unclear.

Carefully she reached out one hand to touch his shoulder. He was all of a tremble, still looking at the spot where Bellatrix had just disappeared. But when he recognized her, his tension eased, locking her in a firm embrace.

…

She knew it was wrong to press him so hard, especially in front of all the others, just now that he was grieving. It was not the time. And she also knew that his arguments were only excuses and that the real reason he didn't want to commit himself to her was another. But today's fight had shown her that maybe they didn't have as much time as she'd hoped.

Dumbledore was dead, and Bill had barely escaped with his life. They had to make the best of every minute they'd have together.

"I'll take you home now," he'd muttered and like a beaten dog she'd walked after him, without saying any goodbyes.

It just wasn't fair. Absorbed in her thoughts, she only noticed that he had stopped when she bumbed into him.

"What is going on?" she asked, rubbing her shoulder. They stood in front of the whooping willow, but Remus looked straight ahead, not turning to her until he finally sighed.

"I just can't go through that again Dora. Why don’t you understand that! I've already lost too many, I don't want to lose-"

"I'm pregnant," she interrupted him because there was no point in keeping it a secret any longer.

Slowly and carefully he turned around and stared at her.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"I, I mean, how long?"

"About a month."

He shook his head and then rubbed his hand over his face, which he kept holding in front of his mouth.

"Please say something," she urged him.

And when he dropped his hand, looking back at her, she noticed he was smiling.

A full warm Remus Lupin smile and finally he walked up to her and kissed her. Warm and tender yet strong and passionate. One of the best kisses she had ever received. And when they separated, they started laughing and then crying but finally they just lay in each other's arms, clinging to each other as if the world depended on it.

They were still standing there as the sun was rising, with her head on his chest and his face in her hair.

"Maybe we'll just stay here forever," she whispered.

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to go home yet," she said looking up at him.

"Maybe you'll come with me then? And maybe you'll stay there for a while?”

She looked at him irritated. "What do you mean?" But he was still smiling.

"Marry me, Dora." he said gently. And as if a volcano exploded inside her, overwhelmed by the sudden happiness that came up, she jumped at him and they both crashed to the ground.

"I guess that means yes?" he laughed but she just smiled.


	9. Spring 1981

"This is it," Remus said for the fifth time while he mooched up and down the Potters living room, flowed by six worried eyes. "This is the last time I let him do this on his own."

It was five hours ago when Dumbledore had firecalled them, telling them that there was an attack at the McKinnons house and that he needs two of them to help Mad-Eye and the Longbottoms to see what happened. And because Lily and James had to stay with Harry there were only Sirius, Peter, Remus and Mary left. But as Remus was about to grab his coat. Sirius had stopped him.

"Let me go with Peter. It’s two days till full and you didn’t do well during the last days."

And as Remus had started to protest, Sirius had just kissed him hard and then apparated with Peter on his heels.

"He is NOT on his own Remus," Mary said also for the fifth time, but Remus ignored her.

Lily was the first to look away and turned her gaze at James. "What do you think? Shall we go after them?"

James didn't look less worried than Remus and Lily knew that he was fighting an uphill battle with himself, of protecting his wife and son and also the need to look after his best friend.

"No. I mean yes. But not you," James paused and then finally stood up. "You stay here with Mary and Harry. I’ll go. Come on Moony. Let's get it over with."

That got Remus to stop. "Are you sure?"

His gaze drifted to Lily and then to the stairs which lead to the bedroom upstairs, were Harry lay in his bed hopefully having sweet dreams and not aware of the war around him.

"They’re my best mates too. If they are in trouble and need my help, I’ll go. Besides, you'd otherwise go all by yourself and this is definitely _not_ an option."

Lily got up from the sofa as well and hugged James tightly.

"Please be careful and come back, as soon as you can," she whispered and released him, her whole body shaking. James kissed her forehead and then grabbed Remus arm.

They apparated directly to the McKinnon’s house but what they found was nothing more than a huge pile of debris.

They were surrounded by chaos and above them was the dark mark ominously glowing in the sky. James and Remus stood there, shaking, with drawn wands, ready to attack whoever might come out of the destroyed house. But nobody came. Everything was deadly silent. The only thing they heard was their own faltering breath.

Looking back at James, Remus moved his head in the direction of the hole which had previously been the front door of the building. They tried to be as quiet as possible but also inside the house they could hardly see anything because of all the dust. James turned around and then spotted Marlene in the right corner of the hall next to a heap of wood, which had been the staircase just an hour ago. He made a stifled sound and then slowly walked towards her with cautious steps. Her wand was still firmly enclosed by her hands, her eyes wide open. Dark brown but with no life in them. Remus kneeled down beside her to close them, shaking his head.

"This is bad, James," he said quietly and got up again. "We have to find the others. As fast as possible."

James couldn’t look past the fear in Remus eyes, feeling pretty worried himself, but he nodded. Though right in that moment they heard a noise from the kitchen. It was a light moan, but it was enough to show them that there was still somebody alive.

They rushed towards the next room and there he was. Peter. Lying on the ground, bleeding from a wound on his temple and holding his shoulder but still breathing.

"Peter!" both James and Remus yelled together, totally forgotten that they were still in danger. "Are you okay?"

Peter groaned again and then grabbed James by his shirt.

"They cast killing-curses," he hissed, "they cast fucking killing-curses likes some stupid door opening charms! James, listen to me. I’ve had enough. You hear me James? This is it. I’m done with this stupid war. Let Dumbledore be the hero and do this stuff on his own. He is powerful enough, isn’t he? But I’m done."

"Please Pete come down. We have to get out of here. Moony?" James looked up at Remus who was already searching the room and James knew exactly what he was looking for but there was no time as the last remaining bit of the roof above them cracked dangerously.

"Remus? I need a helping hand here!"

That tore him from his thoughts and he turned around. "Fuck sorry, I was just. Never mind. Come on Peter, let’s get you out."

They stumbled through the dust and dirt and dropped Peter next to a wall in the backyard. When James started to heal Peters wounds the small man closed his eyes, letting out a defeated sigh.

"I meant it. I quit. No more order mission for me. There is no way we could win this war. Better leave now than never. Better leave now till we got a chance to before-"

"Would you please stop that?" Remus snapped and continued to frantically search the area but then he suddenly froze. "There is someone coming. Take out your wands."

At the end of the street a small figure was running towards them. Remus pinched his eyes together, but the other person was still to fare away to identify.

So, Remus and James stood there in the middle of this debris field, trying to shield Peter as good as they could and also trying to stay calm and focused while they waited for the person to come closer. Remus could feel the fear in his chest rise and that fear was not only the one for his own life. Seconds passed like hours while indistinct patterns slowly became clear contours. Eventually Remus recognized the figure.

And then he ran.

He jumped over the broken fence, his heart racing with tension and with such an incredible relief. And as they met, they literally crashed. They clung to each other with all their strength and for a few seconds the world around them stood still.

"You are such an idiot!" Remus said with a sob, the tightness in his chest slowly dissolving.

There was a muffled _sorry_  against his neck and then Sirius looked up. Standing there in the arms of the man he loved felt like coming home. But when Remus was about to kiss him, they were interrupted by several loud popping around them and just a second later Moody stood on his left side clapping Sirius on the shoulder.

"Well done Black. I think you should consider once again to join the Aurors."

"Thank you, sir," Sirius said through clenched teeth’s and that was when Remus saw the blood running down his arm, right were Moody had touched him.

"Fuck, you're injured!"

"It was Bellatrix that stupide bitch. Hit me right at the same spot as on James wedding. And _of course_ , that was why I could not apparate again," Sirius said sarcastically. "Though I had to ran back here on my feet like a muggle. Is Pete all right?"

"I think so. James is stitching him up. Come on, let’s go back to them."

They slowly walked to their friends. When they reached them, Remus caught the last part of Peters desperate attempt to convince James that winning this war was hopeless.

"Hey Prongs," Sirius yelled, "since when are you working as a nurse?"

"Shut up Black!" James yelled back. "You’re the next one on the operating table." But when Sirius stodd next to him, James pulled him into a bear hug, leaving Sirius breathless for a few seconds.

"It’s good to see you man," James said and released him. And then James rolled up his sleeves and put on his most professional doctor look. "And now, be a good patient and show me your injury."

…

Remus woke up in the middle of the night, feeling lightly confused and disorientated. That was nothing unusual these days. During the last two years he had spent as much time away as he had spent at home. And although it was an odd feeling, after he realised that he lay in his own bed, the relief mad it worth it. And he did it to help the order, so there was nothing to discuss at all.

He stretched out his arm, feeling, that the other side of the bed was empty and cold.

"Sirius?" he called out but there was no response.

Slowly he stood up, still with arching muscles because the last full moon was only two days ago. It was hot in their small flat, the air conditioner broke two weeks ago but there was too much going on to fix it. So, he just put on some light pyjama pants and then went downstairs. As he opened the door, he could hear some quite sounds of a guitar coming from the living room. He tiptoed around the corner, not to interrupt Sirius, because he had to be in a special mood if he picked up the old gutter instead of sleeping.

Sirius was lying on their sofa, his head in his neck and eyes closed, picking the strings in an almost meditative state. Remus stood still and listened. It was the same time beautiful and sad.

But then Sirius stopped.

"Couldn’t sleep either?" he asked but didn’t look up. Remus watched him for another moment.

"The urge to look after you pulled me out of bed. Even though I didn’t sleep that well. Dreamed some rubbish and then woke up in a rush."

"Yeah. Me too," Sirius replied, eyes still closed.

"It’s been a long time since you last played that song. Besides, you should actually favour your shoulder a bit more." Remus walked through the room to take a seat across from Sirius under the window, now they could face each other, and Sirius opened his eyes.

"How do you feel?"

"Restless," Remus answered honestly. "I have never been gone that long. Two whole months is such a long time. Even in half of this time twice as much can happen."

Sirius nodded. "Would you do me a favour?"

"Sure. Everything."

Sirius leaned forward and looked deeply into Remus eyes. "Would you marry me?"

After three years in a relationship with Sirius Black, official or not, there was hardly anything which could have left Remus speechless, but this topped the most, so he just spoke without thinking.

"Are you serious?"

And Sirius smiled. "Of course, I am."

Remus looked at him, shaling his head, still unable to understand the whole situation. And then Sirius took a book from the floor next to his left foot, sliding it to Remus.

"There is a bookmark on the right page."

Remus skimmed the text and then glazed back at Sirius, still confused and unsure what to think.

"Is this some kind of bonding spell or something?”

Sirius just shrugged, standing up to sit next to Remus under the window.

"I don’t get it. This doesn’t mean the same as James and Lily’s wedding did, so what is this about? Why this and why now?"

"It is about trust. And love. Look." He pointed at a picture on the right side of the book. "The letters will always remain there as long as we love each other. So even if you question the whole world, one thing is certain." He made a small pause. "And I need something certain Remus. I really do. Especially right now when you'll be gone for so long. And if we stop loving each other it will just fade."

"It will just fade," Remus repeated and took one moment to look at Sirius.

His dark hair was pulled together in a lose bun at the back of his head, which even more emphasized the striking features of his face. The grey eyes were still shiny but there was also so much worry in them as they looked at him, surrounded by dark circles. And Remus realised that he'd do everything for this man next to him. Everything just to lift some burden from his shoulders.

He scratched his beard and then nodded. "All right, we’ll do it. But first, let’s make one thing clear. Is this about you asking me to spend our lives together in good as in bad days because we love each other or is this about some trust issue? Don’t get me wrong, we'll do it one way or the other. I just want us to clarify this beforehand."

Sirius smiled and then moved to kneel in front of him, taking Remus hands in his. "Remus John Lupin. Please marry me, because after three years in which we are together and three more before, where we were to cowardly to confess our love, I am still head over heels for you. And I will be so for the rest of my life if you let me."

"Okay," Remus smirked and grabbed Sirius wrist. With one last look on the page next to him, he pulled his wand and said the words. _In aeternum Amore coniunct_. And while he did that, he wrote his initials in his little scrawled handwriting on Sirius wrist, right there were he could feel his pulse. It looked like Sirius skin would suck in the black ink, so when Remus ran his thumb over it, it was dry. He kissed the spot to finish the ritual and then released Sirius hand.

However, as Sirius did the same in return, Remus saw that his hands were trembling. With his free hand, he took his to steady him, recieving a gratefull look form Sirus as he cast the spell. After that he kissed Remus wrist as well. Two black letters were now elegantly curved drawn at his pulse point and Remus smiled.

"Well, this is your first tattoo."

"Yeah. And there are still more to come," Sirius beamed, "so, you're ready for the honeymoon?"

"You bet," Remus winked and then jumped down Sirius’ throat.


	10. Afterlife

For hours they have been lying in bed like that. Tangled limbs and their crossed hands clinging tightly to each other between them. It seemed like everything was said and yet Remus could still not believe that it had to end like this. He loved this woman, he loved her so badly, although he never believed he could ever love another person so much again. He closed his eyes and gave a sigh. She slowly lifted her head from his chest and looked at him.

"Do you think he is your soul mate?"

This, he hadn't expected and affected with a light shake he had to start laughing. It felt good to do so and drove away the feeling of loss a little bit.

"Why do you ask me that? You know that I don't think much of this stuff in general. So, no, I really do not think I got a soul mate at all."

She grinned. "I would feel sorry for you if he was your only chance from the beginning."

He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. "You know you're my best friend, right?"

Therewith he felt her nodding against his chest. He had actually intended not to speak this thought out loud, but now that he was thinking about it again, he had no other choice.

"If you want me to, I won't go back to him."

She sat up abruptly. "Are you serious?"

A slight grin appeared on his face because of this long-forgotten taboo. It was the fourth rule of the Maurauders never to ask if anyone was serious.

"If you want it, then I'll stay with you. After all you've done for me, that's the least I can do."

She hit him on the shoulder. "Remus Lupin, how stupid do you think I am? I don't want a man who's only with me out of a bad conscience."

"Au! It's not just a bad conscience, I love you."

"But you love him more!"

"It’s not that important," Remus mumbled. "It's never been a particularly healthy relationship anyway."

She hit him again and he looked at her irritated. "Spare me your self-pity Remus. You have already made your decision. Now stand by it."

Exhausted he turned on his back and buried his face in his hands. Shouldn't the afterlife be full of happy dancing people rather than this? People who all spent the rest of their time happily? Instead he felt as if he had taken the whole drama of his life with him to his death. He turned to his wife and felt another wave of guilt rolling over him.

"You know, with you I always had the feeling of being a better person. For you I wanted to try so hard to be better. To be strong and honest and good. I'm so sorry that I didn't manage that."

Now she stroked his hair and kissed his hand. "You were a great husband Remus, are a great husband."

He smiled at her and knew she would see it as a thank-you. After a few seconds passed, she lay down with him again, still clinging firmly to his hand. How was he ever supposed to tear himself loose from her?

"Can I ask you one more thing?" she whispered.

"Everything."

"Did you want to become a better person for him either?"

He thought about it for a moment and then shook his head.

"Why not?"

"I never had to."

She sighed heavily and then finally let go of his hand. "I think that really says it all."

And he acknowledged. Carefully they both sat up.

"That means goodbye then?"

They were moving in perfect unison as they closed the small distance between them in a firm embrace. Remus knew this good-bye would not be forever and yet it somehow felt that way.

"I don't want to go yet".

"I don't want that either," Tonks replied and suddenly Remus had an idea.

"Have you heard about the window thing?"

Throughout this whole drama he had completely forgotten this brief mention from Sirius, but now seemed just the right moment to check the matter out. He was very happy that he would try it with Dora at his side.

"I've heard that you can keep watching the living from here if you want to. All you need is a window."

And out of nowhere, a big white window appeared on the right wall of the room. Tonk's eyes grew big as she saw it and also understood what it meant for them.

"If you like, we can look after him together?" Remus suggested, pointing to the window.

Carefully they went and opened it, but in front of them were only clouds. She looked at him questioningly.

"What do we have to do now?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say we have to wish for it."

They both closed their eyes and thought of their son and slowly the cloud cover opened, and a small house came forward on whose porch a woman sat in a chair, rocking a sleeping baby back and forth. Tonks leaned so far out the window that Remus was afraid she'd fall out.

"Look there, his hair is turquoise!" she said, pointing excitedly to Teddy's mop of hair peeping out under a small cap.

When she looked at Remus her eyes were glittered with so much joy and at that moment, he knew that he would never lose her completely. This little boy would connect them for eternity.

…

A loud thunderclap echoed through the air as Remus knocked on the door of the Potters. It didn't seem right for him to enter without permission, even though he was soaked to the bone. He had desperately wished to stay dry, but for whatever reason the wish only lasted for a few seconds. When James opened the door, he looked at him pitifully and pointed his head inside, so Remus entered.

"It's raining," Remus said, looking at the puddle he left on the floor.

"Yes, for hours already," James agreed with his jaw clenched. "Obviously the one who conjured up this weather has a very strong will. Lily and I have tried everything. With little success as you may see."

Remus was about to offer him his condolences when he heard a quiet clatter from the next room and the head of a big black dog appeared in the door.

"He's been like that since he reappeared," James said cautiously in Remus' direction, reaping a loud bark from the dog. "Easy buddy. No reason to be mad at me." He addressed Remus again. "We'll be in the kitchen if you need us."

With a short look at the dog and a light headshake he left the room.

"Hey Pads." Remus tried to speak with as calm a voice as possible and went to his knees. "Sorry for being so late."

But as the dog ducked and growled, Remus stood up again. "Oh, come on. Can we please talk about this like adults?"

The dog growled again and Remus pinched his lips. "Honestly, don't you think your behaviour is a little bit over the top?"

With a loud bang Sirius changed back and walked quickly towards Remus and hit him on the shoulder.

"What the hell have you two with my shoulder?" he asked and rubbed his arm.

"How dare you come here and say to me, "I'm acting overdone” After all you've done? Have you even thought for a moment about how I feel?"

"I know and I'm really sorry," Remus tried to calm him down. "But now I'm here or not?"

Sirius gave him a nasty look. "Perfect, are you staying for dinner or will your missy get mad if you're not back in five minutes?"

"There's no reason to be rude, Sirius."

"Oh, there are plenty of reasons! What the hell are you thinking with all this play? You promised me, swore to me, that we belong together, that nothing will separate us anymore, not even death and that even twice! And then you come here, and I have to fight for you like such a fool with this, this child! Can you imagine what that feels like, Remus? Can you imagine how betrayed I feel?"

"Believe me, I know only too well what betrayal feels like," Remus said quietly.

"Oh, well, here we go again," Sirius sighed and lifted his arms into the air.

"You started it! But that's not the point now. I love you and I'm here or not?" Remus replied desperately and took another step towards him.

"The only question is for how long." Then Sirius turned around and sat down at the table. 

"Forever, if you still want to," Remus said quietly, and Sirius looked up.

"What about Tonks?"

"She was pretty understanding."

Remus went over to Sirius at the table, kneeled before him and took his hand in his.

"I am so sorry. There's no point in looking for an excuse, but I promise you, it's all over now." He cleared his throat. "I promise you that I will always stay with you, for better or for worse. That I will love you, honour you and respect you forever and even longer if you let me." He smiled and then added. "Again."

For a few seconds there was silence, but then Sirius grinned as well.

"Sometimes you are such a sap. Come on, get up."

"I'm serious," Remus said, kept holding Sirius' hand and smirked.

"I know."

And when they kissed Remus could hear a slight sob from the kitchen.

"My God Potter, get a grip," Lily scolded, but there was a little laugh in her voice.

"I just can't help myself," James whimpered. "The two of them had always finished me off."

Remus and Sirius smiled at each other and finally it was Sirius who spoke first. "What’s now?"

"Now," Remus said calmly, "now, we go home."

And so they did.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! Kudos & comments are love, so please spread them. <3
> 
> And if you like, do hit me up on [tumblr](https://evax3.tumblr.com/) as evax3 :)


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